When Omniscient, Omnipotent Beings Attack!
by Eighty Pound Carrot
Summary: Tabor is in a near panic over his rapidly disappearing colored pencils, Tuvok is STILL trying to figure out how to sit tight, and Vorik and Tom and B'Elanna in the same room is a bad combination.
1. In the beginning there was Technicolor

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Star Trek: Voyager: When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack

Captain Kathryn Janeway was not in the least bit amused by the sight before her. She had entered her ready room hoping to rejuvenate her weary mind and body with a strong jolt of caffeine, and instead found her replicator emitting smoke and an ear-splitting screeching noise. "Computer," she said wearily. "Cease replicator functions."

The computer's response was barely audible over the din, but Janeway had been expecting its reply, so it didn't matter if she fully heard it or not. "Unable to comply," the computer droned, its mechanical feminine voice aggravating her to no end. She stepped into the hallway, grateful for the instant decrease in noise as the doors slid shut behind her. "Janeway to Torres," she said.

"Moo." 

"B'Elanna, how many times have I told you to stay out of the Doctor's secret hypospray stash?"

"Alien mongoose." The reply definitely didn't sound like her chief engineer, and then Janeway realized who had spoken.

"What do you want, Q-ball?" Janeway demanded as there was an overblown puff of bright orange smoke and the notorious Q appeared. 

"My dear captain, it appears that your replicator isn't the most resilient of the bunch," Q replied.

"I thought the Q-Continuum had revoked your Star Trek storyline interference license," she stated flatly, hitting her commbadge again. "Janeway to Tuvok."

"Yes?"

"The Eccentric Master of Disaster has arrived. Again. He's-"

"No need to expound on that, Captain. I'll send down a Security team right away."

The captain sighed as she terminated the communication link and glanced at Q, but the anomaly of the Delta Quadrant had taken the opportunity to make himself elusive and hopefully (but Janeway wouldn't bet on it) also decided to go back to the Continuum where he belonged.

"Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway." The former Borg's tone of voice refurbished the knot of dread in her stomach that she thought had disappeared with the end of Q's last adventures.

"Yes?" the captain sighed.

"A man wearing a red silk robe just appeared in astrometry. Shall I shove him under this bed that has also spontaneously appeared?"

Janeway collapsed in a fit of coughing. 

Back in astrometrics, Seven raised her Borg implant- er, eyebrow. "I might point out, Captain, that this is most unusual."

"Is it," Janeway said weakly.

"Yes. Lieutenant Paris does _not _appear to be involved."

There was what Seven interpreted to be stunned silence from Janeway.

Then…

"Are you _sure_?" 

"Yes, Captain. The lieutenant is in Sickbay."

"Oh." _Well, that's more normal._

"On his duty shift."

"Oh… he isn't… injured?" _Never mind_.

"No, Captain."

There was another pause.

"Has Lieutenant Torres been injured?"

"No, Captain. I believe she is more likely to injure than be injured."

Ah, Borg bluntness. "Perhaps… Well, I suppose I'll send Tuvok and a security team to Sickbay."

"You mean astrometrics, Captain."

"Well, yes, astrometrics, too."

"Captain."

"Yes?"

"The man in the robe wishes to touch my finger. Out of diplomacy, should I-"

"DON'T DO IT!!"

"Captain?" Seven asked quizzically.

"Seven, whatever you do, if you value your-"

"Captain, I feel the need to point out that he has now produced a puppy. What are the Federation guidelines regarding this?"

"The Federation guidelines," said the captain enthusiastically, "are to pat him on the head. The puppy, not the man," she added as an afterthought.

There was _another _pause. 

"Captain? Please send Lieutenant Torres down to astrometrics."

"What for, Seven?" 

"The puppy has let loose a stream of seemingly acidic liquid which is corroding my controls. Is this a canine defense mechanism of some sort?"

"… Seven," Janeway said. "Just… don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Does that leave me very many options?" she wanted to know.

Q grinned at Seven of Nine, and snapped his fingers to make the puppy disappear. He lounged on the bed that was taking up mucho f astrometrics. "The puppy didn't do it for you?" he asked.

She stared at him curiously. "No?" she finally hazarded.

Q surveyed the Borg before him with leer. "Would you like," he said seductively, "some… coffee?"

The blonde bombshell wrinkled her forehead, perplexed. "I have no reason to ingest liquids at this time."

Q was no longer paying any attention, his focus somewhere over her left unitard-clad shoulder. "Ah! Lieutenant!"

Torres sighed and handed a garment to Seven.

"What's this?" Seven inquired without abandoning her perplexed state.

"Engineering smock," Torres said sagely. "Put it on." She reached for a bucket that she had set on the now-smoking console. "I suppose telling Q to clean this up wouldn't have any effect?"

The omniscient being in question stuck his nose in the air. "Very doubtful." He snapped his fingers again. "Interest you in some paper towels? A sponge, perhaps?"  
"I think for my purposes, a bat'leh might be more effective," B'Elanna replied. "Got one?"

"BYOB," he said cheerfully, and then, "Speaking of which, where's Tommy?"

"In Sickbay," she answered, amiably enough. "Would you like to join him?"

"Hello, Tommy!" Q said.

"I don't know what's worse, seeing you or the Doctor," said Paris, taking his unexpected transportation rather well. "Hello, 'Lanna. You're looking lovely today."

"Which is very good, because she doesn't smell very pleasant at all," Q interjected, before B'Elanna could reply. She glared at him. 

"Actually," Seven said helpfully. "That odor is the emission of the puppy you recently removed."

"Wait," Tom said, eyes widening. "There was a puppy?"

Q brought the puppy back, because he believed in being kind to dumb animals; Tom and the puppy went off in a corner to play fetch with B'Elanna's communicator. Meanwhile, Torres was contemplating whether it would be more satisfying to beat Q up for his crack or Tom for stealing her communicator; or rather, for letting his hand… linger… when he stole it.

After many calls from confused female crewmembers, Captain Janeway decided it would probably ultimately be better if she actually communicated with the troublemaker herself. 

Another question nagged at her mind as she walked down the corridor.

What the heck happened to Tuvok?

"C'mon, Tuvok! Just one liddle ale?" pressured a slightly tipsy Harry Kim.

"Mr. Kim," Tuvok said impassively, because honestly, what other way would he say it? "I do not think that would be a prudent course of action."

"But Tuvok, how ELSE am I going to purge the memory of Q in a silk robe from my brain?" Harry whined, on the verge of panic.

"You could always 'engage in passive acts of Vulcan meditation'," Chakotay slurred, in what he thought was a passable impression of his Vulcan security officer.

"Indeed," Tuvok agreed, oblivious to the human nuance of sarcasm in Chakotay's voice. "But I do not see why me getting imbibed on alcohol should make you forget the image you are attempting to forget."

"Because then I can replace it with an equally disturbing image!" Harry informed him happily.

Chakotay narrowed his eyes at Harry. "Ensign, you TOLD me there was nothing going on between Paris and B'Elanna!"

Harry coughed himself into a brief moment of clarity. "That's what Tom told me," he said innocently, omitting the fact that Tom had finished the sentence with 'yet'. Also, he had been very wistful, but what the first officer didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?

Meanwhile, back in Engineering, stuff exploded.

Back in Sickbay, the doctor wondered if it was possible for an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent being to be physically injured by Lieutenant Torres. "Lieutenant Paris," he said. "If I may draw you away from the enjoyable companionship of the puppy, which no doubt you prefer by far to your duties in Sickbay, and ask you to keep B'Elanna from causing any destruction?"

"Don't worry, Doctor. I only want to hurt the all powerful today," B'Elanna reassured him.

"I get to follow B'Elanna around all day?" Paris said brightly.

If looks could kill, B'Elanna would have caused Tom Paris to be orbiting around the ship. Without a spacesuit. 

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This started as an English assignment (hence the weird vocabulary words at the beginning.) Aeryka got stuck and Jen took over. This is what resulted. 

Onward… to the next installment! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


	2. Two! Not to be confused with One

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Voyager: When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack

Chapter Two (Not to be confused with 1)

Seven of Nine felt short.

The Captain had ordered her to work with Lieutenant Torres in fixing the malfunctions that would no doubt be occurring with alarming frequency. This was to be expected. What was unusual was Torres's insistence that changing clothes would increase their efficiency.

The Borg wrinkled her nose. Sneakers were certainly much easier to walk in. As for this interesting garment known as a 'sweatsuit,' it was undeniably much simpler to move in. Quite liberating, really. But the ponytail was hurting her head.

Meanwhile, Torres was skipping merrily through the halls, enjoying the sound of necks cracking from whiplash as they turned. Her newly replicated black miniskirt and burgundy halter top matched beautifully with her combat boots. Engineering had never been more fun. 

Paris was trailing behind quietly, his eyes firmly trained on B'Elanna's rear end. 

Q wiggled a finger at Janeway. It was fun.

Meanwhile, Neelix was having a few problems of his own. A large Terran animal that the computer had readily identified as a cow was depositing some sort of flammable matter into his stove.

"Hello!" said Q. "Meet Maggie!"

Neelix pondered this. "Didn't Harry Kim have a girlfriend named Maggie?"

Q nodded patiently. "So I thought you might like to meet Maggie."

"Oh," said Neelix, and rifled through a cookbook. If it can catch on fire, it can be cooked…

B'Elanna and her entourage entered the holodeck and fixed their eyes on a trio of drunks. 

"Oh, Sandrine…" came Chakotay's voice from somewhere under the bar. B'Elanna might have commented on this, but she was trying to fix a faulty holoemitter and kick Gaunt Gary in the balls at the same time. Seven took notes.

"Tello, Hom," Harry said, sloshing his shot glass around. He was having difficulty forming his thoughts; Tuvok was singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" too loudly.

Tom sniffed the air. Definitely not synthehol. "Uh, Harry? I've taken the drinking route. I really wouldn't recommend it."

"Tokay, Hom," Harry hiccupped.

Tom frowned and jerked a thumb at Tuvok. "What happened to him?"

Kim squeezed his eyes shut painfully, and downed his glass. "Q tried to mate with him," he whispered before collapsing on the bar in tears.

Tuvok started in on a Klingon drinking song, the thumps behind the bar beating perfect time.

"Uh, bye, Harry," Tom said hastily, his eyes automatically going to Torres, who was leaving the holodeck, her butt swaying in a hypnotizing manner. _Must… stalk… B'Elanna…_

He hurried after her.

"How do you spell 'hormones'?" asked Seven.

Harry eyed Seven with a suggestive air. "Wouldn't mind dockin' my shuttlecraft with you…" he slurred. 

Seven regarded him oddly. "Is that a duty assignment?" she asked.

Back on the bridge, Janeway wondered where Q had disappeared to this time. The computer had told her that Q was on the bridge, but when she had arrived, he had disappeared. "Computer, locate Q," she said.

"Q is in Ensign Wildman's quarters," the computer replied, and Janeway blanched. 

"Wildman to Janeway." The young woman's voice was confused.

"Ensign, if an odd man appears in a red robe, do NOT touch his finger! PLEASE."

"Then what should I do?"

"Run. As fast as you can."

"What if Naomi is wearing his robe?"

Janeway took a deep breath and covered her communicator. "ALIEN MONGOOSE!" she screamed as loud as she could. "Look, general, I'm a lion! Moo! Moo! MOO!"

Feeling better almost immediately, she tapped her commbadge. "Just… don't touch him," she said calmly, and cursed the replicator that had doomed her to decaf.

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, and so can an eighty pound carrot!" Tuvok chanted, and walked into the force field that the Doctor had constructed to contain the three drunks.

Chakotay stared at Harry, and then said, "You! You think you're better than me?" He took a swing at Harry, and missed. Badly. 

"All the guys drop their pants!" Harry yelled. When the other two went to comply, he covered his eyes and screamed, "No! Put them back!!" He ran to escape Sickbay, hit the force field, and promptly collapsed, where he let out a large snore and started talking about the Romulans who were trying to take his better half. 

Tom dragged his feet as he entered Sickbay. "Doc!" he whined uninhibitedly. "You told me to follow B'Elanna all day! Why did you comm me?"

The Doctor sighed and tossed the young man a hypospray. "Detox."

"The hedgehog can't be buggered at all!" sang the trio in harmony, although not harmoniously.

"What I wouldn't give for 'The Wring Cycle,'" the Doctor muttered. "Mr. Paris, if you would- whoa, wait. Where did he go?"

Tom had joined the trio in the drunk tank, and a rousing chorus of the "Irish Drinking Song" filled Sickbay.

"Tom! Did you get into the emergency medicinal related alcohol supply again?" he groaned, and when an empty plastic jug hit his simulated forehead, he had received his answer. "Okay, okay. I guess you won't get to STALK B'ELANNA!" he tossed over his shoulder, prepping another detox hypo.

"B'Elanna? Where?!" Tom demanded, launching himself at the Doctor. 

"Exactly as I suspected. Of course, I never suspected that a Vulcan could actually get intoxicated," he mused, and proceeded to ramble about things that had absolutely no relevance to a dried-out, Klingon-obsessed (or half-Klingon, to be politically correct) male anxious to stalk his favorite crew member.

Tom's face fell. First he gets dragged out of a happy jam session before he could even get to the Philosopher's Drinking Song, and now all mention of B'Elanna had ceased. This really was not fair.

Q appeared with a broken nose. "Torres won't mate with me," he said plaintively. Tom said nothing, because he was rooting around Sickbay for something deadly. An automatic weapon, for example.

Q rolled his eyes. "Tommy, you're a great guy, but you're getting in my way."

  


Tom found himself in a sealed-off Jeffries tube. Alone. Which was good, because he hadn't found that mouse yet.

But, on the downside, there was no weapons locker here, either.

All of a sudden, the Doctor appeared in the Jeffries tube as well. "I didn't think that Q was desperate enough to try and transform the gender of a male," he said. "A hologram, no less…"

The three drunks also popped into existence, and Tom found himself sweating profusely. "It's getting rather crowded in here," he commented.

Suddenly, B'Elanna popped onto his lap. "I stand corrected," he said, and B'Elanna wondered if it was physically possible to fit this many people into a Jeffries tube.

Then the puppy appeared.

Neelix sniffed the air appreciatively, and consulted his cookbook. "What motivates an onion?"

B'Elanna worked furiously at the hatch, trying to ignore the fact that, due to the sardine situation, she couldn't get out of Tom's lap. An hour later, she banged her head against the door. 

It opened.

She slipped through with a speed to put tachyons to shame; in an automatic reaction, Tom launched himself after her.

The hatch then closed.

"Oh, God," B'Elanna said. 

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Being part the second to this weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird series… REVIEW!! REVIEW OR WE WILL EXPLODE!!


	3. Chapter 3 of Three so far

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When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

Chapter 3 of Three

Neelix tapped a young man on the shoulder, realizing too late that his hands were covered in flaming cow residue. Ah, well. "Excuse me, Crewman Carlisle?"

The shoulder-stained crewmember wrinkled his nose in a combination of disgust and confusion. "Yes?"

"What motivates an onion?"

Carlisle shrugged. "…Layers?"

The Doctor was curled up in a corner with his hands over his ears. _What I wouldn't give to have my aural transmitters shut down…_

"Dos Equis, a Mexican beer! Ray, the guy who brings me beer! Me, I'd like another beer! Fa, a long, long way to beer! So, I'd like another beer! La, lots and lots of beer! Tea, a drink, but it's not beer! And that brings us back to… Dos Equis, a Mexican beer…"

_Must… remember.. The theme from _Tosca…

The Doctor began to whimper.

Janeway suddenly couldn't see. "My eyes! I can't see my eyes!"

Q giggled happily. "It's an irremovable blindfold. It's my own invention!"

Janeway screamed and went flailing into a corridor, knocking over two crewmen as she barreled through the hall. 

"It's some sort of blind fiend!" an ensign whispered.

"I believe they prefer 'visually challenged fiend'," said Q, and turned him into a bowl of petunias.

When Neelix returned to his kitchen, he found that Maggie had disappeared.

  


Back in the Jeffries tube, the following statements were heard:

"MOO!"  
"Oh, dear, I seem to have stepped in cow feces."

"Can you walk inside a Jeffries tube?"

"Then if it's not on my boot, where _is _it?"

"I believe the location of the feces is irrelevant compared to the fact that there is a cow in here with us."

"Seven! How did you get in here?"

"…That is irrelevant."

"No, it's not!"

"YOU'RE ALL IRRELEVANT!"

"Tuvok, go back to singing. You're more interesting that way.'  
"Sooooooooooooo… I'll take the high road and you take the low road…"

"What motivates an onion?"

"Neelix?"

The Doctor curled up in a corner. "I'm so confused right now…"

  


B'Elanna was beginning to regret quite a few of her decisions today.

First off: her clothing choice. While it was certainly highly amusing to stick Seven in an extra-large sweat suit and give herself the sexy uniform for once, but Jeffries tubes were small, and miniskirts were not designed to sit on the floor in. 

"Paris," she growled. 

"Sorry," he said quickly, and squeezed his eyes shut again.

Second off: opening the tube hatch. Yes, she got out of the crowded tube. Unfortunately, all that had accomplished was getting her a new sealed tube. All alone. With Paris. 

"Tom," she said in annoyance, "you're being handsome at me. Stop it."

"I can't help it," Tom said, opening his lids just a crack. "it just comes naturally."

B'Elanna put up both her hands in front of his face. There. _What I can't see can't… um… be seen._

Janeway hit what felt like her fourth bulkhead.

B'Elanna found that if she used the pointy end of her commbadge, she could scratch a line on the floor. "Okay," she said. "This side of the line is my side. That side is yours. We stay on our respective sides. Okay?"

Tom gave her his best puppy dog eyes.

"Paris, your eyes are being very blue at me. Make them stop."

The crowded Jeffries tube could make even the most sane person, well, crazy. The crew complement of the tube now consisted of Tuvok, Harry, Chakotay, Maggie (with whom Harry was trying to get reacquainted with), the puppy, Neelix (who was now surveying everyone as to what motivated an onion), the Doctor, Seven of Nine (to whom Chakotay kept referring to as "Marie Antoinette."), a few miscellaneous crewmen, and a rapidly expanding pile of cow manure.

Amidst it all, Q appeared.

"Ah, Q!" said Neelix, bubbling over with good will (which explained the hair). "What motivates an onion?"

"Mating instinct," said Q decidedly, and looked around.

"Pardon me," said Harry, tipping over at a dangerous angle, "have you seen my palmetto bug?"  
"If you were a hot bun and you were trapped on a desert island, would you eat yourself?" Q replied, in order to silence Harry.

He thought for a moment. "… I would!"

"Sandrine's got some nice buns," drowsed Chakotay. 

Janeway tripped and fell over a mouse. It squeaked at her and ran into Jeffries Tube 32.

"I thought only elephants were afraid of mice," said the Doctor.

"Oof," said Harry, from under the cow.

"Mr. Mouse," said Neelix. "What motivates an onion?"

A pause.

"Squeak," Neelix repeated thoughtfully. "I see."

Tuvok put his arm around Q's shoulder and looked at Harry. "This is the guy! He's a great guy…" 

"Q, what motivates an onion?"

"Me!" Q paused. "You asked me that. Ask him."

"Ah, Lieutenant Carey! What motivates an onion?"

"Nothing," Carey answered wearily. The last time he had exited Engineering he had been ambushed by an irate Paris yelling something about how B'Elanna only needed one stalker and it was Paris, not Carey, and reporting to his supervising officer was no excuse. Unexpected teleportation was not necessarily an improvement. 

"Are you sure?" Neelix turned to Chakotay. "What motivates an onion?"

"The grass green hairs on my ass!" he shouted triumphantly. 

Neelix considered this. "Are they edible?"

  
"Tom," B'Elanna whined, "your toe is on my side!"

Tom grinned and inched his foot forward.

"Tom…"

"OUCH!"  


Janeway slammed into someone.

"OW!" Carey yelled. "You broke my nose!"

"Carey? What are you doing here?"

"I was spontaneously teleported into a Jeffries tube."

"Then that means…"

"DOS EQUIS, A MEXICAN BEER! RAY, THE GUY WHO BRINGS ME BEER!"

"Crap."

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So, as you can see, we didn't explode. Expect a new chapter every day! YAY!!! The Beer Song is sung to the tune of "Do Re Mi" if you hadn't figured it out. It's rather entertaining. 

We polled several people and asked them what motivated an onion. Here are a few responses:

6.2

The alien mongoose that lives in my veggie drawer.

The fear of garlic. 

Erin's weirdness (a ff.net writer. Vashthesoftie)

Frying pans.   
The knowledge that whoever eats it will eat it while crying. 

Because the apple can't do anything.


	4. My FOUR Calling Birds Can Beat Up Your T...

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When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

"My FOUR calling birds can beat up your three French Hens!"

Something small and gooey landed on Vorik's head. He heard a screech from above, and the startled cries of other crewmembers. "Computer, identify unidentified creature in Engineering."

"A Terran bird known as 'seagull'," the computer replied. "They are scavengers, and release white fecal masses while in flight."

Vorik was faced with the difficult choice of finishing his duty shift or taking a sonic shower.

Tuvok screamed. "Captain! Don't… move…" 

"What? What?" The captain's voice rose in fear as she clutched fruitlessly at her blindfold. 

"There's a barbershop quartet of ducks RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!" He screamed again and fainted.

"Really?" said Harry, squinting. "There's a trio of French hens over here." He cocked his head to one side. "One of them has stolen my clarinet."

"His ducks are better than your French hens!" Q stated, wondering how quickly he could start a fight between everyone.

"Yeah!" said Tuvok, without waking up.

"Yeah?" said Chakotay, getting into the spirit of things. "Well, I've got a partridge in a pear tree that could kick both their asses!"

"Well, if I combined my ducks with two turtle doves, they'll kick YOUR asses!" Tuvok yelled.   
Everyone was shocked at this, because Tuvok NEVER cursed, not even when Neelix had burned his Kal-toh set because he had run out of spaghetti noodles. The other amazing part of it was that he had managed to yell all this while still sleeping.

"MY ONIONS RULE OVER ALL!" Neelix yelled, because he could.

A mass of drummers apparently suffering seizures over their cymbals popped into existence.

"Did that help?" Q inquired.

Janeway, as the competent, aware Super Female Captain, did not like the fact that she was rapidly losing control. "Officers-"

"CAPTAIN! A flock of swans just landed on your head!" Harry lunged forward and belly-flopped onto Tuvok, rousing the Vulcan; both immediately started singing a medley of Shirley Temple tunes.

On the other side of the hatch, Torres and Paris ceased their sexual-tension-induced squabbles to blink at each other. What the heck was going on over there?

  
"MY NINE MAIDS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR STINKIN' LEAPING LORDS ANY DAY!"

"CAPTAIN! DON'T TOUCH MY PEAR TREE!"

"Squawk!" said the seagull to Vorik. 

Meanwhile, Neelix was attempting to phaser the cow.

"Hey," said the Doctor, "where'd you get the phaser?"

Neelix shrugged. "Lieutenant Brannock dropped it," he said, and nodded his head toward a corner where a young officer was taking advantage of the situation by making out in a corner with a young brunette ensign. 

The Doctor stared. "Why don't you PHASER US OUT OF HERE?!" he shrieked, his hands working on agitation. 

"It doesn't work. See?" Neelix pointed the weapon at Harry and fired.

…

"Oops."

"Please tell me that was on stun," Janeway said worriedly.

"We are the Borg. Your individuality will be added to our collective."

"I think it was on 'assimilate'," Neelix replied thoughtfully.

"Q, GET THE BORG OUT OF HERE!"

In a different corner, Seven was attempting to have a logical argument as to why five golden rings did _not_ make an acceptable opponent for a group of drunken Klingons. Her experiment was hindered by the fact that the Klingons were all distracted by the seven maids cat fighting over who got to milk the cow. 

Q was pleased. He was finally having fun.

The ship was on skeleton crew; except for those few lucky ones still working, everyone was crammed into a Jeffries Tube. B'Elanna and Tom were the only ones with a tube to themselves. Unfortunately, B'Elanna was too concerned with keeping herself decent to appreciate the relative quiet. 

"You know," Tom said absently. "I had a dream that I dated my ninth-grade English teacher…"

"Really," B'Elanna grunted, trying to unscrew the bolts in the Jeffries tube hatch with her fingernails.

"Yeah, it was great. But then she started saying that everything was irrelevant and got turned into a Borg chicken."

"Paris, have you ever considered seeking counseling for your maladjusted tendencies toward bursts of pointless randimosity?" she asked.

Tom cocked his head to one side. "No, but I do receive therapy of a sort." He stared rapturously at her butt.

"Tom, your eyes are staring. Stop them before I stab you with a …" B'Elanna looked around and discovered her weapon jammed into a crack in the wall, "a Q-tip!"

Tom clasped her hands in front of him. "With a face like this?"

B'Elanna sighed and put the Q-tip down. "Fight fair, Tom."

  
Janeway blinked. "Does anyone feel a draft?"

  
"Oh, Kahless!"

  
Q grinned happily. Rendering every single person naked save their underwear had been his best trick yet.

B'Elanna retreated behind her line. _Don't look don't look don't- You looked! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!_

Tom frowned. "If I can't look at your butt, you shouldn't be allowed to look at mine."

"On Betazed, they have Naked Day," the Doctor offered.

"Very comforting," said Vorik dryly, waving away the seagull.

"This is rather refreshing!" Neelix said brightly.

"Wait." Janeway grabbed blindly and caught the edge of the Doctor's jacket. "Everyone's naked?"

"Yes!"

Janeway screeched and ran blindly down the tube, tripped, and landed in Chakotay's lap.

Harry sat up with a jolt just long enough to screech, "Get the jackets back on the hens!" before collapsing again. 

Seven frowned at her sketch of a chicken. "How can you tell it is French?"

"Harry, you certainly have a beautiful mind!" Tuvok said.

Harry shot upright again. "I AM NOT A SOLDIER! I AM A MISCELLANEOUS WEREWOLF CLONE WHO EATS SMALL RABID SQUIRRELS!"

"Of course you are," the Doctor said in as soothing a voice as he could muster, thanking all the deities his database could identify that as a hologram his uniform was integrated into his program. 

In the corner, Lieutenant Brannock was having a lot of fun. 

"Hello," said Crewman Tabor, landing on a chicken, and went to help Seven with her sketch.

Janeway, on the other hand, was busily trying to get out of Chakotay's grasp, but he was too drunk to realize this.

  
"TOM! YOUR HORMONES ARE RAGING AGAIN! STOP THEM!" B'Elanna screamed.

The young man looked around nonchalantly. "My hormones are not raging. They are very civilly asking your hormones to dance." He paused before the punch line. "They seem to be accepting."

Torres let out a low growl.

Tom grinned cheekily. "You're pretty when you're mad!"

"Why, you…" B'Elanna trailed off. She was running out of energy, and anyway, she kept getting distracted by the chickens in the tube next to them. Also, Tom was hot.

Would now be a bad time to mention that the rest of the crew was naked as well, and working near exposed bio-neural gel packs was _not_ a smart thing to do while naked?

Janeway touched the tip of her nose. It was sticky. Hmmm.

Then Q snapped his fingers and Icheb appeared. 

"Who's he?" said Seven, glancing up.

Q snapped his fingers again and Icheb popped out of existence again; the omniscient being had briefly forgotten that Icheb didn't exist yet. 

Tabor pursed his lips in concentration. "More feathers about the tail," he said.

  
Meanwhile, intriguing ideas were brewing about in Tuvok's brain. "If walls have ears, then what do the floors and ceilings have?"

Brannock and the brunette paused long enough to say, "Steel-plated bulkheads!"

"Hmm…" said Q, and pondered this for a moment before he settled on adorning the walls with ears, the ceiling with a tasteful bowler hat, and wondered what size shoes the _Voyager_ would wear. 

"Hey!" said Harry. "I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little, too."

The Doctor thought it was high time someone formulated a plan to get everyone of there. Drawing on his endless knowledge of world history, he devised the location of the Mr. Potato head back hatch and escaped out of it. 

  
B'Elanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Tom was still being handsome at her, and he WOULDN'T STOP. 

  
"I wish, I wish, I was a fish," Tuvok sang. The trio had exhausted their collective repertoire, and he was getting very lonely singing by himself. 

"Where did the Doctor go?" Seven asked, looking up from her chicken drawing. "It got quieter in here without him."

"Q!" Janeway yelled. "If there's a way out of here, then I want to know about it! AND GET THIS DAMNED BLINDFOLD OFF ME!!'  
"It's irremovable. I can't," Q said pleasantly, conjuring up a cup of tea and some biscuits. 

"How long have we been in this tube?" B'Elanna called from the next tube. "Tom's eyes are _still _being very blue at me and he refuses to make them stop!"

"We have been in this tube approximately ten hours, two minutes, and seventy-eight seconds. This message can be repeated in French, Klingon, or Vulcan. Pick one."

"How many people are over there?"

Seven took a quick headcount. "Sixty-seven. And that's with the Captain racing back and forth screaming, 'I AM A MOOSE!' at the top of her lungs. 

"Really." B'Elanna's voice sounded surprised. "I hadn't heard that yet."

"Really? What _have_ you heard?"

"A cow, chickens, Lt. Brannock, Tuvok…"

"Yes?" said Brannock, glancing up from his ensign. 

"Hey, Tom?" said Neelix. "What motivates an onion?"

"B'Elanna!" said Tom adoringly, and closed his eyes reverently.

"Wait, what?" hiccupped Chakotay, pausing in his imitations of a bull moose.

"TOM! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY LINE!" B'Elanna screamed.

"Eek! Sorry, sorry!" 

"Line?" said Chakotay, glaring with red-rimmed eyes at the hatch. 

Seven blinked. "What does a moose look like?"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So… Yeah… The English teacher thing was spawned from Mr. Knox (our English teacher) saying, "Irrelevant."

  
Moving right along. MY CALLING BIRDS CAN BEAT UP YOUR FRENCH HENS!


	5. The Number 5 Is Irrelevant

__

When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

"The Chapter Title is Irrelevant. The Number 5 is Irrelevant. You are Irrelevant. This is ALL Irrelevant, But They Insist On Writing It Anyway."

"There is no moose," Chakotay insisted.

Seven looked up from her sketchpad. "Does anyone have any colored pencils?" she asked.

"There is _too_ a moose," Q said, and went to snap his fingers. Ensign Greta Kale popped into existence, and landed on Q's hand, breaking his snapping fingers. 

"Ow," she said. "That hurt my butt."

Q stared at her. "You broke my fingers, and you're worried about your BUTT?!" he exclaimed.

She stared right back at him, and then looked around. "Why are we inside a giant Mr. Potato Head?" she asked, and then promptly discovered the rear hatch, and left.

Q wondered briefly why none of the others were able to figure out a method of escape, then dismissed the thought, producing a deck of cards instead.

"Q, if you suggest strip poker, I'm going to kill you. Do you understand me? I. Will. Kill. You." Janeway heard the shuffling of cards over the chaos in the Jeffries tube.

"Q," said the Doctor patiently, over the comm system, his medical subroutines kicking in automatically. "Why don't you just snap with your other hand and fix yourself?"

On the other side of the hatch, Tom grinned maniacally.

"I mean fix your fingers, not neuter yourself."

On the other side of the hatch, Tom's face fell.

Meanwhile, back in Engineering, the warp core was getting very lonely because all the remaining crew had decided to take their lunch breaks all at once. "B'Elanna!" it cried sadly, and immediately got a headache from the power of Tom's MY B'ELANNA! rays.

The seagull landed on it and squawked loudly.

"Mr. Seagull, can you realign my dilithium matrix?"

It squawked again.

"I see."

"OH! I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER! AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER'S WHAT I'D BE! CAUSE IF I WAS AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER, THEN EVERYBODY'D BE IN LOVE WITH ME!" At this point, drawing on his endless supply of pointless jingles, Tom was teaching the group of drunken Klingons the Oscar Meyer Weiner song from the other tube because B'Elanna was ignoring him completely. Again.

B'Elanna was curled in the corner, trying not to look at Tom, who was STILL being hot. Luckily she was being effectively distracted by the Klingons singing, as they seemed to think that the song would impress the maids-a-milking.

"C'mon, B'Elanna!" Tom encouraged, "join in! Even Tuvok's singing!" He leaned toward the hatch. "And I think I can hear a pair of breeding moose-mooses-yeah. Mooses."

"Tom, you're being cute at me in an amusing sort of way," she whined.

The Doctor stared at his computer screen in Sickbay. "C'mon," he urged.

"I'll take an A," the guy said.

Wheel of Fortune. This was the life. And now that the rest of the crew was trapped in a Jeffries tube, no one could harass him about his game show addiction. 

And then the picture faltered and turned into "white snow." He looked out the window- a satellite dish was whipping merrily away. "Q!!!!" He dropped to his knees in agony. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Come back, Vanna! COME BACK!!!"

B'Elanna blinked. "Did you hear someone yell 'Lanna'?"

Tom was immediately on the alert. "No, I did not," he said suspiciously, crouching into a fighting pose. No one yelled B'Elanna's name without his expressed permission. 

"Meow."

A cute little kitty landed with a thud on Tuvok's head. 

He didn't think it was so cute when it began kneading its claws into his head.

"Mr. Kitty-" Neelix began, but Q interrupted him.

"It's a girl."

"_Miss_ Kitty," Neelix corrected himself. "What motivates an onion?"

The kitty hacked up something on his foot.

"A hairball. Interesting."

"There is a peculiar white substance falling from the ceiling," Seven felt the need to point out. "Why?"

"It wanted to tell me what it thought of my onions," said Neelix decidedly.

"Oh," said Seven. "Crewman Tabor, would you please pass the indigo?"

Janeway and Chakotay made very good…

"Mooses?" suggested Tom.

Thank you, Tom. Yes. They made good mooses.

B'Elanna cried. _His cuteness… it's too much._

"Mooses?"

"AHH!!"

  


Since the Doctor satellite dish had flown away, he had no choice but to resort to basic cable. 

The horror. The indescribable horror!!

Back on the bridge, they were being attacked by fleets of flying pigs, but that was besides the point. Above and below the point, Borg ducks were assimilating chickens.

  


Vorik left.

"Why did he do that?" Neelix asked sadly. "He never told me what motivated an onion."

"I think the Borg ballet frightened him," said Lieutenant Carey tiredly, nodding his head toward the corps of mechanical dancers in the background. Oh, the horrors when an Irishman is the most sane man in the room…

"Carey," Harry said, "we need to get some beer in you!"  
Q snapped his newly mended fingers (he had taken the Doctor's suggestion, but it had taken him a while to learn how to snap with his other hand) and produced a guy named Ray, armed with lots and lots of beer. "Dos… Equis…" he sang, as the others stared at him in confusion, except Janeway, because she was still in possession of Q's irremovable blindfold.

Tuvok immediately grabbed Ray by his shirt collar. "GIVE ME THE MEXICAN BEER!"

Suddenly, a kid dressed as "RANDY QUICK! VOLUNTEER FIREMAN!" appeared, kissed a Klingon soundly, and hacked his way out of the Mr. Potato Head.

Nobody noticed except Lt. Carey, but then, nobody noticed him either.

  


B'Elanna might have noticed, but she was not in that tube. She would have noticed, because she was desperate to notice everything under the… lack of sun besides Tom, who had discovered a new weapon.

"Mooses!"

"Ahh!"

"MOOSES!"

"AHHHH!"

**"MOOSES!"**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Tom's boxers had mooses on them.


	6. What Do You Get When You Multiply 6 x 9,...

__

When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

What Do You Get When You Multiply 6 x 9, or 6 x 9 Equals 42.

  
The Doctor was flopped sullenly on a biobed, smacking the side of the view screen in the vain hopes of improving the reception. "What I wouldn't give for a pair of bunny ears…"

A rabbit appeared and landed on his head, squeaking.

"NOT THAT KIND, Q!"

Vorik and Lt. Carey wandered through the corridors, trying to formulate a plan…

"No, Vorik! I don't _care_! Now is NOT the time to raid Tom's cabin! No! NO! Don't! AUGH!"  
There was a moment of silence. 

"I never noticed how well an empty corridor echoes," Carey said to no one in particular; or more accurately, no one at all.

Tuvok looked triumphant. "Forty-two!" he announced.

"What do you get when you multiply six times nine?" trumpeted a moose named Chakotay. 

"I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe," Q muttered.

Harry held up a cloth bag of stones. "What's this?"  
"Onions."

And then he saw them.

Two of them.

Clones.

He reached for the replicator.

He programmed a nose.  
He programmed a hat.

He programmed shoes. 

The Doctor bore down on the potatoes…

  


Tom was composing a mooses song. As a direct result, B'Elanna was discovering that she was to cuteness what Superman was to kryptonite.

Lieutenant Brannock was STILL having a lot of fun in his corner.

  


"NO, VORIK! Don't replicate a gallon of gasoline! You CAN'T set Tom's bed on fire!" Carey was freaking out at this point, and then the thunderous thundering of something thunder-like could be heard.

The Doctor ran by the open door (which Vorik had propped open with Lieutenant Paris's television set) leading a large army of Mr. Potato Heads. "KAH-PLAH!" he yelled, oblivious to his very bad Klingon pronunciation.

A penguin came waddling past, paused, blinked at Lieutenant Carey, and then continued on his way.

The Volunteer Fireman came galloping through, kissed him soundly, and axed his way through a large amount of potatoes. "FRENCH FRIES FOR EVERYONE!!" came his lingering call as the stampede bore him away. 

A man carrying a tray of pickles emerged from a turbo lift.

Carey was glad that he hadn't had any of that beer. Things couldn't possibly get any weirder if his brain remained intact.

"Are seagulls flammable?" asked Vorik.

Meanwhile, Randy Quick, Volunteer Fireman, entered Engineering, but Repair Man-man-man-man had already beaten him there.

He was attempting to realign a dilithium matrix.

"Help!" the warp core cried plaintively.

Volunteer Fireman kissed the warp core soundly, and hacked his way out of Engineering, oblivious to the fact that the door had locked open, scared to death of the shiny metal sharp thing. 

"B'Elanna!" called the warp core.

Tom gave it a headache.

Speaking of which…

"Mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses! Mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses, mooses!"

"TOM, STOP IT!"

Neelix backed into a wall, hit the Mr. Potato Head back hatch, and tumbled out. He stood up, dusted himself off, and lunged back into the Jeffries tube, instead landing amidst a various assortment of plastic facial features. 

He felt something painful.

"Hey! A mustache!"

Janeway was tired. It was time for a nap. 

"How do mooses sleep?" inquired Tom, and integrated this into his song. "Napping mooses, sleeping mooses, mooses, mooses…"

B'Elanna resisted the urge to crawl into his lap. 

Back in the mess hall, an ensign who had come in search of a flammable banana had instead replicated forty decks of cards and was in the process of building a model of the _Voyager._

Vorik wandered in, a can of gasoline in one hand, one of Tom's pillowcases in the other. "Do you have a match?"

  


"AHH!" screamed Carey.

"Look!" said Neelix. "Check out my hat!"

Carey shoved the Talaxian back through the hatch and continued on his way, accompanied by a total lack of guilt.

Harry claimed to have gotten his clarinet back from the hen and was now playing away at nothing.

"There is no discernable approach to determining the cultural background of a chicken," Seven stated decidedly.

Q sighed. "Borg are _not_ entertaining," he decided, and snapped his fingers.

The dancing Borg all got pink tutus.

Tuvok, meanwhile, was attempting to stick a colored pencil down his aural tract.

He raised his hand.

"Yes, Tuvok?" Q asked.

"There's a pencil in my aural tract. It's in there pretty far. I think it's hitting my brain. Can I go to the nurse?"

"Hey!" said Seven. "Where did the green go?" She promptly vanished.

Q turned his attention back to Tuvok. "No, dear. I'm afraid the nurse is a bit busy at the moment." He listened for the mooses; they were still there. "You just sit tight for a while longer."

Tuvok applied his startling intellect to the problem of how one goes about sitting tight.

Neelix wondered if an onion would look good in a mustache and a bowler hat.

Q snapped his fingers. "I forgot to give the Potato Head a mustache!" he announced, and Neelix's mustache disappeared.

"Hey! Who stole my mustache?!" came from the floor vent.

"Ouch!" said Tuvok, and rejected contortionism. 

"Don't worry," said Carey from the other side. "You've still got your sideburns."

"Tug on my whiskers, Seven?" said Neelix cheerfully, but she disappeared again too quickly to reply. Mischief maker, yes, but directly cruel Q was not.

Seven appeared in an empty room, save for Volunteer Fireman. "Ah! There's a fire on it's way to the kitchen!" he yelled, kissed Seven soundly, and ran off. "You! Pointy-Eared Man! Stop!"

Vorik ran down the corridor, waving a burning sock on a stick behind him. "Tom's belongings are highly flammable," he proclaimed with his usual monotonous tone as he waved his flaming torch around. "I require further experimentation with his personal belongings before I can draw any concrete data." He marched off purposefully.

Volunteer Fireman ran after him, spontaneously armed with the world's largest fire extinguisher.

Meanwhile, the biggest game of Monopoly was occurring in the crowded Jeffries Tube. It was constantly impeded by the fact that Maggie kept eating the pieces and Q kept having to make more.

  
Lieutenant Brannock… well, we won't mention anything about Lieutenant Brannock.

Free of the Jeffries tube, Seven was torn between her duty shift and rescuing the others in the tube. 

Purposefully, she marched off to Astrometrics, wondering if her console had exploded while she was gone.

  


The warp core whimpered at the loss of its beloved B'Elanna.

Tom wondered if it was possible for him to mentally eject the warp core. He left of his mooses to concentrate on this for a little while. Nothing happened, excepting the fact that B'Elanna started breathing again. And he got a headache.

  
Neelix was getting very lonely. Also, he was starting to run out of air. Q had casually condemned him to a turbo lift with a mass of mutant onions.

Vorik ceremonially dumped a pile of photographs of Tom on the rival man's floor and set fire to it. Then he replicated a t-shirt reading "Pyromaniac."


	7. Seven's Spontaneous Spontaneity of Somet...

__

When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

Seven's Spontaneous Spontaneity of Something Spontaneously Spontaneic. 

"Whee!"

"Who's piloting this ship?" Janeway demanded.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Volunteer Fireman sat at the helm, his delighted screeches echoing throughout the comm system.

"This button won't stop blinking! I'll fix it!" Repair Man-man-man-man announced, grabbing a sledgehammer from his belt.

The lights in the Jeffries tube went out. 

  
In Peru, a monkey screeched.

"Hey! Who stole my shoe?" Q demanded. Maggie chewed contentedly.

Back in the other tube, B'Elanna stared at the mooses who were being very moosey at her on Tom's boxers. 

"B'Elanna!" he whined. "Can I stare at your butt NOW?" 

"No, Tom," she replied wearily. 

"On the count of three!" Tuvok said, grabbing the end of the colored pencil stuck in his aura tract. 

"One... Two..." 

"SEVEN!" Harry yelled, just because he was getting the feeling that everyone had forgotten about him, and he felt the need to spout off some pointless randimosity. 

Tuvok, Vulcan that he was, looked crestfallen because now he couldn't pull the pencil out unless someone counted correctly. "Ow," he said, as the pencil jammed into his brain.

"Oops," Q replied. "Wrong way." Then he, along with everyone else, promptly forgot about Tuvok's predicament to demand that Q give them light so that they could continue their game of Monopoly and find out ho had eaten Marvin Gardens.

"Seven, aren't you supposed to be rescuing your trapped crewmembers?" Carey asked, finding refuge in Astrometrics because he assumed that it as the only place that wasn't on fire or filled with total chaos and insanity. 

Instead, what he found was Seven having a lengthy conversation with Pickle Man about how she thought his maladjusted antisocial tendencies ere the product of his berserk pituitary gland.   
Pickle Man smiled, nodded, and offered her a pickle. 

Carey wanted to run out of the room screaming at the top of his lungs. 

But Vorik was out there, and a pyromaniac Vulcan was a very scary thing.

With a sigh, he accepted a pickle. 

Vorik leaned in, gentlemanly lit it on fire like a cigar, and ducked out again. "Can someone help me melt Tom's teddy bear?"  
  


In a corridor, Rain Robinson appeared, but she was run over too quickly by stampeding potatoes shaped like mooses to really do anything.

  


Tom sniffed at the air. "Do you smell something burning?"

  


The thunderous thundering of something thunderous was STILL thundering and Janeway couldn't figure out what was thundering so thunderously.

"My name is Betty Ann BonGO! I sing this little sonGO! I sing it ALL DAY LON-GO!" This said (sung), Tuvok and Harry got into a fistfight over who was the real Betty Ann, which was only slightly hampered by the fact that neither of them seemed to be able to form a fist.

The computer was getting annoyed by the fact that Repair Man-man-man-man kept destroying all her consoles, and cursed at him in [337. "4[13|\| |\/|0|\|90053!!"

"Help. I'm trapped in a turbolift with mutant onions," Neelix said blandly, as Volunteer Fireman ran by, completely oblivious to the Talaxian because he was in hot pursuit of Vorik (who was proudly displaying his "Pyromaniac" t-shirt, because Janeway was not out here and none of them were wearing their uniforms anyway, so she couldn't do anything about it even if she anted to) because Vorik had melted Tom's teddy bear and was demanding a lock of Tom's hair for ritual sacrifice. 

He made a stop at an engineering console and frowned calmly; he pushed a few more buttons. There had to be a file on voodoo doll creation somewhere in the ship's database.

"Oops," he said idly.

Volunteer Fireman screamed and hacked his ay right out of the ship. He'd never been on fire before; it proved too disconcerting for him to take. 

B'Elanna was STILL trying to resist the urge to crawl into Tom's lap. 

  
Carey sighed and smoked his pickle. 

Meanwhile, Q was getting antsy. No new and really spontaneous ideas were coming to him to torment the Voyager crew. 

He snapped his fingers and...  
  


"Hey! Someone's been burning my stuff!" Tom yelled, kneeling in the center of his quarters by a confusing pile of photographic ash. 

B'Elanna began to root around in Tom's drawers for a t-shirt to steal. Being underwear-clad in Tom's quarters was not her idea of a good... no, it was... NO! IT WASN'T!

Q smiled. That as much better. No more Oscar Meyer Wieners, and endless chaos a la Tom and B'Elanna. 

"Mooses!" he said cheerfully. 

He turned his attention to Janeway and Chakotay. SNAP!

  


Tuvok, meanwhile, was STILL trying to sit tight. He had managed to squeeze himself inside a bulkhead. The green pencil was REALLY starting to hurt. 

"Oooh!" The Vulcan had found some rubber bands. 

  


"Harry," said Ensign Jetal nervously, "could you please stop whittling reeds in here? You keep... missing." Indeed, the bulkhead nearest Kim was in shreds. Luckily, right about no a rubber band shot the knife out of Kim's hand. 

  


A sock lit Repair Man-man-man-man on fire. He proceeded to smash into bulkheads. 

Janeway and Chakotay ended up in a turbolift with Neelix and his mutant onions. 

"Ah, Captain, commander! What motivates an- aww, nuts, I already asked you. Oh well. Would anyone like a bowler hat?"

Torres was huddled in one of Tom's t-shirts, utterly paralyzed by the smell of soap and adorable maleness. 

"Mooses," Tom muttered as he vacuumed. 

"Eek..."

"MOOSES!!"

"Screw it," B'Elanna growled and managed to restrain herself from doing anything more than giving Tom a big hug. 

"YAY!" 

Vorik replicated an obscenely large amount of Pixi Stix. 

"Are they flammable?" an onion asked. 

_I knew I shouldn't have let them talk me into all that candy_, Vorik thought. 

He stared at the Pixi Stix, and said finally, "Yes. Yes they are." 

"Help!" yelled Repair Man-man-man-man from underneath a pile of Pixi Stix wrappers.

Vorik descended upon the Pixi Stix with a lighter.

Harry finally managed to escape from the tube, a song in his heart, and unfortunately also in his vocal cords. 

"Hi, Seven!" he said, then, "B flat! Ahem." He assumed a regal pose. "The night is young, and you're so beautiful!"

Seven pondered this statement with a furrowed brow. "What cultural background does this night originate from?"

He pondered this for a moment. "TIMBUKTU!" he screeched, and net screaming "The Sound of Music" songs down the corridor.

Carey marveled as to ho a corridor echoed yet again, but again, nobody noticed Carey.

He leaned down. "Has anyone lost a clarinet?"

  
Tom was snuggling B'Elanna, which made the knowledge of his burnt teddy bear much less painful. B'Elanna was trying as hard as she could to not enjoy it without much success. 

A loud crunching made everyone (except Janeway, but she tried as hard as she could) look up. 

Pickle Man had discovered how to work the comm system. 

"Pickled onion?" said the turbolift in a voice like Neelix's. 


	8. My Name is Eight Chapter Eight

__

When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

__

My Name is Eight. Chapter Eight. 

The Doctor poked the bunny. It tried to bite him. He tossed it in the recycler. 

  
"HI!" screamed Harry, popping up. "Wanna play Hamlet?" He brandished a toothpick at Tabor before falling over. 

Tabor descended upon the young ensign with a marker. "Handlebar mustache," he said after a moment's thought, and set to work. 

"Oh... WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD! THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!" Neelix screeched and Janeway cringed. She and Chakotay (at least she assumed Chakotay) had been tastefully adorned with bowler hats, mustaches, and very large shoes. 

Q decided to wander the ship and find out what was occurring with the others that he had removed from the Jeffries Tube. 

He popped into Tom and B'Elanna's space, shrieked, and immediately popped back out into the corridor. 

"Hey," said an onion. "Are omnipotent beings flammable?" 

Vorik stared at Q for a moment, pondering this. "Yes," he said decidedly. "Yes, they are."

Q ran. 

He stopped. "Wait a minute..." Snap! 

  


"AHHH!!" said B'Elanna. 

"Mooses?" said Tom. 

"Get off my mate!" screamed Vorik, brandishing his sock. 

  
Meanwhile, Carey had managed to lock himself into a supply closet. 

"Hello?" he called. "I knocked over a bottle of liquid adhesive in here. It's getting hard to breathe. Can someone let me out?"  
A moment of silence. 

"Hi! Is someone out there?"

"Hello? Now there's a large rat staring at me. I think it wants to eat me! Can someone let me out? Help!" 

There was a long, loud noise and the smell of potatoes. Then silence again. 

He sighed. At least the rat had eaten the adhesive. 

Seven was staring intently at the viewscreen in Astrometrics; every so often she would tap at a console. She admittedly lacked experience in the area, but Timbuktu seemed to have nice enough nights. 

"MOOSES!" 

"STAY AWAY FROM MY B'ELANNA!" Vorik yelled, and charged at Tom, armed with a sock. 

"MY B'ELANNA!" Tom screamed back, and retaliated with a newly replicated spork. 

"MINE!" Spoon.

"Mine!!" Banana.

"MINE!" Moose.

"Hey, that's MY moose, too!" Block of stinky cheese.

B'Elanna blinked. "Uh, Vorik!" 

"MY B'ELANNA!"

"Vorik."

"_MY B'ELANNA_!"

"VORIK!" 

"**_MY B'ELANNA_**!"

SPLASH.

Vorik blinked. "I seem to be wet," he said calmly. 

"You were on fire," she said, and put a bucket down.

"My B'Elanna," Tom murmured defiantly, and curled up on the bed, hugging a pillow. 

Meanwhile, the penguins attacked the lettuce.

"Okay," said the Doctor, "Q is here because he wants a mate, right?"

"Mew?" said Harry.  
"And if he gets one, he'll go away, right?"

"Purr," Harry said.

"So if I program him a holographic mate, problem solved, right?"

"Right?"

"Harry?"

Harry was crouching under a biobed, ears flattened, trembling.

Q grinned and waved. "Hi, Harry!" he said cheerfully. "Maggie was looking for you!"

"Hiss! MROW!" Harry screeched, and attacked Q's receding hairline.

A moment later, Harry was wearing an electric invisible fence collar and sulking. 

Q snapped his fingers, then they both disappeared, invisible fence and all. 

"Tom," B'Elanna said patiently, "that's really not nice."

"What?" Tom responded innocently, eyes wide. 

"He's cleaning your quarters. Isn't that enough?"

"Come now. Vorik makes a very nice little French maid. The apron really sets off his complexion, don't you think?"  
B'Elanna shrugged. "Pass the popcorn."

Vorik muttered something about root beer and bridge domination. 

"MOOSES!" Tom heckled merrily. 

"Ohhh… I'll take the high road and you'll take the low road…" Ray drawled, and hiccupped. 

Maggie burped. 

  


Tuvok sat in a corner, flinging rubber bands at Harry, who was back in the tube, invisibly fenced.

"Mew."

FLING!

"MROW!"

"Haha- ouch!" 

"The only green colored pencil in the set, and you choose the exact color I need to shove in your ear!"

"Mew!"

FLING!

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!" 

"Tuvok, have you seen the Lego I need?" Tabor asked. 

Tuvok burped and grinned contentedly. 

"My creative genius!" Tabor lamented and fell out the hatch. 

"Timbuktu, huh?"


	9. Like The Borg, Nine is a Perfect Square

__

When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

Like the Borg, Nine is a Perfect Square.

Umm… 

The kangaroo blinked at Tuvok, and he blinked back at it. 

Tuvok scratched his nose. "Didn't that used to be a penguin?"

Q shrugged. "I got bored."

"Oh."

B'Elanna sat on the bed, feeling much better now that she was wearing one of Tom's t-shirts. "Um, need me to replicate a towel?"  
Tom pondered this. "No… I'm good."

Vorik was sitting in a puddle, crying over a sock. "No! My poor, poor sock!"

"Ah, Vorik," B'Elanna felt the need to point out, "it was _you_ who burned that sock to begin with."

"The fire!" Vorik wailed. "The fire!"

Tom shrugged. "Out the airlock?"

"Tom!"

The fair-haired lieutenant muttered darkly. 

Meanwhile, Harry had taken Tom's place in teaching the Klingons how to sing, Q having gotten bored with him as a kitten. "Zip-a-dee-doh-dah! Zip-a-dee-day, my oh my what a wonderful day…"

"I wish to hit him," a maid-a-milking remarked. 

"Hard," a lord-a-leaping agreed. 

"TACOS!" the Klingons roared, accepting this word as their battle cry at the insistence of a green dog-like robot. 

Tabor was trying to prefect the chicken. "Tuvok, sir, I really need the green…"

"MY GREEN!" Tuvok cried, clutching the pencil (or at least what little he could grab.)

"Um, what happened to the blue?" Tabor asked suddenly. 

A nameless ensign was assimilated by a Borg duck. 

Tuvok felt a sharp pain in his nose. "I think I know what happened to the blue," he said slowly. 

Q sighed. "Are there any females I haven't asked to mate with me yet?"

"Are there any people I haven't asked what motivates an onion yet?"  
"HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PINK, INDIGO, OR ORANGE?!" Tabor was in a near state of panic. 

Seven stared at the Astrometrics screen sadly. "This night appears to have no cultural background whatsoever."

She inserted a chicken.

It didn't help. 

Janeway popped inside an overhead storage compartment. 

When the penguin appeared, it pecked her foot. 

She did NOT like losing control. 

"Moo?" said the penguin. 

"Captain?' said Mulcany. 

"Penguin?' said the Captain.

"Dog," said Chakotay decidedly. 

"ICE CREAM AND MOOSES FOR ALL!" a crewman yelled triumphantly, lord of all he surveyed (which right now was the mess hall), and waving a spatula dramatically. 

Someone blasted swing music, and chaos prevailed. 

"Hey!" said Tom. "I hear swing!" He began dancing around the room, cheerfully trampling Vorik's sock. 

  


"WHEEE!" 

A squirrel sat at Voyager's helm.

"Who's piloting this thing? A squirrel?" complained Tom, grabbed B'Elanna's hand, and raced toward the bridge, leaving Vorik to cry monotonously, a neat trick if you can manage it. 

"Yes, I do believe so," B'Elanna said. 

  


Suddenly, the squirrel discovered an ant, and the ship screamed. 

  


Tom engaged in hand to hand combat with the squirrel. It was a jumbo squirrel, making things quite difficult. B'Elanna sighed and phasered him. 

The squirrel, not Tom. 

"Saves time," she explained mildly, and hurried to tactical to take care of those ducks. 

"I always wanted to pull barrel rolls when no one was looking!" Tom said excitedly. 

"No, Tom! DON'T!" 

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

  
The Doctor sighed and wandered around Sickbay boredly. "Isn't there anything to be done to set the ship to rights?"

Tom and B'Elanna appeared, bruised and scraped. 

"Well, at least some things are more normal."

"He started it!" B'Elanna insisted. 

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" Harry screamed as the ship lurched. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hi! We're back, sort of. If this chapter bears no continuity to the ones before it, it's because Aeryka misplaced the notebook that the original chapter nine was in, but it was found! 

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	10. And So They've Breached The Double Digit...

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When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!

And So They've Breached the Double Digits. 

Tabor contemplated the screen. "I'd say," he said thoughtfully, "that, due to the dark appearance of the night, it originates in an area near an equator."

"Appearance is irrele-" Seven stopped, blinked once, and began typing busily. 

  


The warp core grinned broadly as B'Elanna burst through the Engineering doors. 

Its smile fell when Tom came charging past her in the direction of the core, armed with a spork. 

"Tom! Back!" B'Elanna yelled, and Tom stopped in his tracks, head hanging. "Good boy."

"Mooses?" whispered Tom sadly. 

B'Elanna collapsed against the warp core crying. 

Q popped everyone into a different Jeffries tube, and then popped himself in as well. 

Chaos greeted him. He tripped over Yoga-Tuvok, someone hurled a chicken at him, he ducked as he fell, and…

"This is very undignified," he muttered, tightening his robe (thank God.) "Tommy! 'Lanna! You're back! How very nice." He eyed the half-Klingon for a moment. "And you do look fetching in Tom's t-shirt. Will you mate with me?"

A piercing shriek of a battle cry erupted from Tom's throat as he lunged at Q, pinning him to the floor…

Q's "Mating Finger" hit Maggie's hoof. 

"MOO!" 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Q, joining the illustrious ranks of the Voyager screamers. 

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" said Tom, bouncing up and down victoriously. 

"What?!" said Janeway, her ponytail whipping Chakotay in the face as she turned her head blindly. "What's going on?"

"The cow," said Carey, sadly noting that he was once again surrounded by fresh chaos, "is currently asphyxiating as it orbit's a neutron star."

Harry promptly burst into tears. 

In the Sickbay, the Doctor sang mournfully about the phasered squirrel. 

  


Q sniffled in a corner, dejected. "I suppose I have to set everything to rights now," he grumbled, and before he disappeared, he snapped his fingers. 

And so… 

Janeway blinked rapidly. "I can SEE!" 

Chakotay grabbed an onion, blushing furiously. 

Neelix screamed. "My onions!" He gathered them up and went racing back to the mess hall. 

  


Tabor and Seven had reached the conclusion that the Timbuktu night was in fact, interestingly enough, from Ecuador. 

Tuvok wailed piteously, and the Doctor was faced with a difficult dilemma: detoxing the Vulcan first or removing the box of colored pencils shoved into various facial holes. 

Settled comfortably in the vast emptiness of Engineering, B'Elanna wondered how long it would take before someone felt the need to release the engineering crew from a Jeffries tube and the various supply closets that Q had "accidentally" locked them in. 

Harry sighed, semi-coherent, and Carey shuffled the deck of cards, smoking another pickle. 

"Two-card draw?"

Harry moaned. He had a hangover like death. 

Tom sighed happily and curled up in his bed, engulfed in sheets. He inhaled sanguinely, burying his head in the pillow that smelled like B'Elanna. 

"AHHH!" 

A random crewman tried to escape one of the Doctor's mutated moose-shaped onions. 

Q grinned. He _had_ felt the need to leave a few bits of chaos aboard the Voyager.

  
**_THE END_**

"Or is it?" said Dr. Chaotica.


End file.
